Telling Someone You're Trans*: A How-to Guide

The story of how my girlfriend told me that she is trans*

           I get asked all the time how my girlfriend told me that she is trans*. The simple answer: she just told me, I processed it, and I realized that her gender identity didn’t change the fact that I had a huge thing for this PERSON.

The full story of how we met is in in another post, but the gist is that I had met her, and gotten to know her for a couple of months as a guy, we had kissed, but we were still in the early stages of starting a relationship. She had come to a party that my housemates and I had thrown in celebration of the end of the semester. All night we had been acting like giddy little kids, smitten with each other, holding hands, sneaking looks and smiles from across the room, and finding any reason to touch each other. Eventually we found a chance to go to my room to hang out alone. We start kissing, but she pulls back, looks at me and says “hey, I just want to make sure that you know something about me…..I’m genderqueer.”

 Now at this point my head is spinning slightly. Luckily I am a fairly informed person and knew what this meant, knew many of the basics, and was comfortable with the idea of someone being trans*, however it was not really what I expected in the moment. I think my first response was something along the lines of “I didn’t know that, although I kind of suspected a little”. Then I used kissing as a distraction for a second so I could figure out what the hell I was even thinking. Then I said, “just to make sure I know what you are even saying can I clarify? You are physically male, but see yourself as female?” she responded in the affirmative and asked me what I thought.

I said that “I have never been attracted to a girl before (not strictly true, but that’s a whole different story), and I don’t know what this will mean in the future, but for right now what I do know is that I like YOU, and want to keep seeing where this is going.”

            We left it there for the night, while there were lots of questions to come, we had established a good starting place, and were happy to cuddle the night away. In the morning I think a lot more of the implications had hit me, and I was a little more concerned that there were in fact a few things that were clouding the simple we like each other so what’s the problem concept that we had seemed to be okay with the night before. That morning we talked more about what it meant for her to be genderqueer, and where she thought she was headed with her transition.

At this point I was fairly overwhelmed with the situation I had been thrown into. Later that day my housemate came to my room, and one of the first things she asked was “Is Devin gay or Bi or something?” which opened the door for me to spill everything, and putting it into words made it even more real. I went home the next day for Christmas break and I had a whole week with minimal obligations or distractions where I could process what had been thrown at me, do some research on trans* issues and figure out how I felt about it.

          Throughout this whole process I have considered there to be two main issues related to my girlfriend being trans*. The first issue I have dealt with is learning what it means to be in a relationship with someone who is transgender. It is a long and difficult process for the transgender individual, but there is also a set of corresponding difficulties when it comes being the partner of someone who is trans*. We watch them struggle with dysphoria, discrimination, and transitioning, and experience with them some of the same social stigmas. It is incredibly hard to watch someone you care about experience hardship, and want to change the world for them, but ultimately not being able to do any more than be an open ear. The other side of the issue for me is the way this relationship has forced me to challenge my own sexuality and gender identity. As someone who previously considered herself a straight, cis-female, it was a huge step to start a relationship with a girl who forced me to think about what it means to be outside of the gender binary and sexual orientation norm.

          After Devin told me that she is trans I went through a period where both of these issues (the fact that my girlfriend is trans, and my own identity) were constantly rolling around in my head and I was desperate to find some resolution about them. I did lots of exploring online, read books, and most of all, talked about it a lot. Luckily I have a friend who had just gone through his own process of coming out as gay a few months before, so I was able to talk with him about every concern and new discovery. He was the one who got hysterical phone calls and frantic facebook messages. He heard about all of the new things that were happening to me, and all of the freak outs as little pieces of my personal world crumbled apart.

          In the four months since Devin told me she is trans I have largely reconciled these issues in my head. I at a point where I see Devin as a person, and the fact that she is trans only adds to her wonderfully unique personality. The closer we become the more I see her true self and the more I delve into the brain of this beautiful girl’s struggles and triumphs. I still am very confused about the journey that my own identity is taking, but have come to a point where I am okay not knowing and continuing to discover it.