Bi Brigade

Here in pdx, we have an awesome Bi community. A community who strives to include not only the B in LGBTQ, but queers, pansexuals and all of use non-monosexuals looking for a place to go. In efforts to strengthen this community and reach out to those outside of us, a group of us have started the Bi Brigade. One of the main things we are working on right now is creating a Q&A blog focused on bi-related questions. We have done a couple posts already in vlog and blog style. For those of you in the portland area, we also are a good resource to find more bi-relevent events, such as bi-bar at Crush (every second tuesday). Check out our latest post, including a short first appearance by yours truly.

http://www.bibrigade.org

The Elusive Queer Man

     In previous posts I have mused about the potential of queer sex within a heterosexual relationship. I was skeptical that such a dynamic could happen in reality. I think the universe decided I needed a reminder, and thus delivered me Jack (name changed).

     Jack is a very philosophical-minded, hipster-leaning, bike fanatic. He doesn't own a car, is covered in tattoos (of various quality) is an inch shorter than me, and has red facial hair which goes through stages of scruff, mustache, and full mountian-man status. I find him devilishly handsome, and an adorable person. We initially connected over our mutual high sex drives and open-mindedness about sex. We both fall somewhere in the middle with gender and sexuality which seems to complement each other nicely. He does not mind in the least that I am very attracted to women, and does not sexualize that experience as happens with many hetero-men. Jack is open to new sexual experiences and likes being fucked, which means we get to have some fun in bed. I think it is clear to me, that purely vanilla sex will never satisfy me, and luckily he shares that opinion.

      Both Jack and I recently got out of serious relationships with women who we each thought could be the person we would spend our lives with. We take love seriously and the thought of another heartbreak is terrifying. Needless to say, that leaves us with a full set of baggage between the two of us, and a bit relationship phobic. In fact, Jack is so scared of relationships that he reminds me that he doesn't want one nearly every day. Now, hearing that is not exactly a moral boost, but honestly I know I need to stay away from anything serious right now anyways, and the smile he gives to me when I show up is enough of a reminder that he digs me.

     I think it is actually good for me to find more balance in my life, and appreciate the moment I am in, rather then to worry about the future. The reality is that Jack gives me a stable friendship, consistent sex, a cuddle buddy and someone to share stories with. Its not the love story I pictured, and I don't imagine he will be the person I spend my life with, but right now, he is exactly the person I need in my life. Meeting him has been the perfect reminder that I am young, I have no idea what I am looking for, and most importantly there is no reason to be looking for anything specific, but rather I need to embrace the people and experiences already my life and roll with whatever path should come next.

More miss-adventures with men

I find sexuality to be such an intriguing topic. I find more intriguing though, the fact that most people around me are substantially less interested in sexuality than me. I wonder if I am more sex-driven, more queer, or just more out-spoken than then average female.

            It is a common anecdote that guys think about sex once every six seconds, and also that guys are only after one thing. While I think both statements are far from fact, I wonder to what extent they are true, what causes that to be true, and why women don’t feel, or at least admit to the same. To the last topic at least I have a few theories. Most theories deal with different social constructs to gender. Women are socialized to believe certain things about their sexuality, and possibly more sad, I am under the impression that most woman do not get opportunities to explore open, equal, sexually gratifying relationships.

            Under the disclaimer that the following opinions are only based only personal experience and casual research, I believe that our current, hetero-centric views on sex limit much of our population to less than mediocre sex. I was personally blessed by having two open, queer, and compatible sexual partners as my first two relationships. I acknowledge that most people take more trial and error to find their preferences in bed, and I likely still have much to discover. However I believe that typical straight sex is nothing short of boring.

            For some reason I keep trying it, and it keeps disappointing. I have slept with a variety of guys now. Guys I was very physically attracted to, guys I was intellectually turned on by, or had good chemistry in the moment, guys I gave at least a handful of chances to, and yet the sex is always disappointing. It seems that in the average sexual encounter there is a typical formula. There is a certain amount of foreplay, in most cases apparently employed to get the chick on board.  Ten the guy’s dick-brain comes out and takes over. His face goes into an intense, blank stare, he starts making animal noises, subtle at first but escalating to grizzly-decibel grunts by climax, and of course overall the man always has the power.

            I am personally a strong, independent, woman who very much likes some control during sex, and am not afraid to take it. Still I find that through typical heterosexual positions and social expectations, I still rarely get dominant or even equal positions when having sex with a man. I believe many women, as well as many of their partners would very much appreciate more opportunities for variety and control-shifts during sex.

            As soon as dick-brain comes into play, penetration tends to become the main move. While penetration is great, even a skilled partner who benefit his/her woman by adding in some variety and finesse. Plus when penetration comes into play the woman is almost always put into a submissive role. Most positions she is pinned down, or has her legs above her head, not in positions of power. Even while riding her mate, often the woman is supposed to be putting on a show. Penetration often also signals the beginning to the end, the shift that signals that if you are not the unique flower who will cum from vaginal sex alone, get ready to be grunted on and then go to bed, because Miss, your turn is over.

            I am possibly being overdramatic or skeptical, but I believe we are ready for sexual revolution. I want to see a world where women understand and embrace their sexuality, at least as much as men are expected to by our current society seems to dictate. I want to see world where sexual partnerships are honest, and equal (at least to the extent both partners desire) and where all people are exposed to healthy sexual relationships that will help them discover what they actually like and in which they will not be ashamed.

Stay tuned for a follow-up post about a new boy-toy who may be changing my opinion about hetero-male sexual openness.