Straight sex is weird

Recently I have been dating guys. Regular, masculine, straight guys. I think I have come to the conclusion that I am dating guys because well, I can get along with them, but I don't have to be as concerned about falling fro a girl and getting my heart broken again.

I am able to connect with guys well, although often it is as a bro, seeing as I have only dated women for the last two years. So jumping back into the "straight" dating scene is very strange. Twice now I have connected with a guy, thought they might at least be a good companion for a while, but then when it gets to sex, my lady cock is so not impressed. Perhaps it is these two guys, but I doubt it. That leaves me with two options as far as I am concerned. One: I just don't like penis and I should just deal with that. I am not convinced of that however because I have dated a trans girl, with a male body, who I was very much attracted to and sexually fulfilled by, and I have definitely been romantically attracted to guys. The second option then is that straight sex is just incredibly boring in comparison to wild, creative, beautiful, queer sex.

In my queer relationships I can say that every time I had sex it was a new experience. There seemed to be endless combinations of positions, where each partner was, and the toys involved, and most importantly just the attitude behind it.

When I become physical with a straight guy it seems to be all the same. The body rushes to his dick, he turns, at least in some degree into an animal, I have to be the woman in the situation, and the same series of mostly penetration based positions are used. Perhaps I will give it a few more times, but damn this seems boring compared to women, or what I can do with myself in the comfort of my own bedroom. No wonder most women are not super excited about sex if this is all it is in their relationships.

Goodbye Gold Star Lesbian Status

That is right, last night I slept with a man. I slept with a tall, big, hairy, penis having, heterosexual, cis-male MAN.

It wasn't bad. I'd even say that it was fun. However the entire time I couldn't help but thinking, damn this would be better with a woman.

Kissing him, his mouth felt so big, his face so scratchy. I kissed his neck but it was so large, and lacked the look of elegance that I have grown used to.

Our shirts came off and I wondered where the other set of breasts were to match my own. His nipples, small and just not the same to play with.

His entire body had a layer of black hair on it, from the tip of his nose to his entire broad chest. Everywhere I put my mouth I got the taste of hair instead of the smooth skin I craved.

The entire process felt more like an activity to fulfill my needs than romantic desire. It felt fun but not hot and steamy.

Still, I think it was a good experiment. Adds more experience of dating and what I like so in the future I have a better idea of what I'm looking for. I don't feel the need to label myself or limit myself based on someone else's standards. Yet I do want to have a little more confidence in my own idea of what my attractions are. At this point I don't foresee continuing to pursue men in any romantic direction, but at the same time won't completely count it out.

This might be a good chance to take a little break from dating. Yeah, that sounds nice. Me time.

Why can't I just be me?

I crushed on guys in high school. That does not make me straight.

I have had girlfriends for the past year and a half. That does not make me gay.

I am whoever I want to be. You have to take my word on the fact that I know myself and my desires better than you. I do not question yours. Please do not question mine.

Yes, I act like a bro a lot of the time. Yes, I wear dresses and want to have babies. These are are not in conflict with each other, they are just who I am. I am a woman, and happy to proclaim it. I am also happy to disprove some female stereotypes, as well as act in accordance with some.

This does not make me any one thing. This makes me me. That is it.

I find gender non-conformity beautiful, now I can only hope that someone will find mine just as beautiful.