Health meets fad

Anyone with access to the internet has now seen the ever growing trend known as the ice-bucket challenge. The challenge is simple, choose either to donate $100 dollars to an ALS charity or dump a bucket of ice water on your head and share a video of it to raise awareness.

I have seen a number of responses to this phenomenon, both positive and negative. A number of celebrities and frat-bros likely with slight attention-seeking motives, articles criticizing the fad aspect and rebuttals from ALS families. You know what I think of it all. It is all good it is all necessary. We need to be a culture that talks about health issues. We do need to try and understand what it is like, and unify over common causes of support and progress. There will be fads and viral videos no matter what. I would much rather see videos of people trying, if in an arguably odd way, to raise awareness for a very real and under-known about illness.

At the very least it gives name recognition to ALS. More than that, many people will see their friends, or favorite celebrities video and hopefully look up ALS, put a face and story on the issue, or donate towards the cause.

I do not see a negative. I say direct all the fads to raise awareness for real issues. Continue mass head-shavings for cancer, make people walk brace-legged for cerebral palsy, eat a tablespoon of salt for Addison's Disease. The action hardly matters, the point is to get the word out there, to humanize disease , sure raise some money and if people have some fun in the mean time, then good for them.

Disgust at Radfem transphobia

I am disgusted. Apparently at a Radfem Respond conference in Portland, radical feminists stated that they "insist on regarding transgender women as men, who should not be allowed to use women’s facilities, such as public rest rooms, or to participate in events organized exclusively for women." I statement that is completely transphobic and utterly anti-feminist. 


True feminism fights to defend equality towards all genders including trans*folk, and men. True feminism does not disenfranchise those already disenfranchised based on their chromosomes (the same rational for the start of feminism). True feminism supports minorities and leads change to provide for protection and equality for every individual. True feminism wants EVERYONE to feel safe when using the restroom.

The bathroom issue in particular drives me crazy. A few reasons why:

• I personally wish that bathrooms were not segregated at all.
•  In many locations women have extraordinary wait times to use the toilet compared to men
• If there are stalls, there is no exposure anyways
• If there is exposure, so what! Urination is not a sexual act (typically), and I do not understand why a woman seeing another vulva is acceptable, but it is not okay to see a penis.
•  I personally use both gender bathrooms (I am fully aware that not everyone has the safety or confidence to do this), and have never gotten any grief for being a woman in the mens room, why the double standard? 
• Trans women are not men masquerading as women in order to attack other women
• Trans women face an incredible amount of societal stigma and personal distress. It is not a choice, it is who they are.
• Trans women are not the same as Queens
• Yes there may be crossover between the identities
• Yes, both (and all) gender presentations should be respected
• However the public seems to have the view that trans women are all excentric performers, which is far from the truth.
• Men are not the enemy
• We should not assume that men are designed to harass women
• Trans women already face a lot of fear and danger for something as simple as using the restroom
• For many trans*folk neither bathroom feels comfortable or safe
• It should fall within our duty as feminists to ensure the same safety for trans*folk as is desired for women 

A local article http://www.wweek.com/portland/blog-31950-radical_feminists_and_the_war_on_trans_women_plays_out_in_portland.html and a New Yorker article http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/08/04/woman-2 on the issue.

Footnote: not identifying as a trans woman myself, I try to speak to the best of my knowledge about the trans* community, but am open to suggestion or re-interpretation.

Living Sex Positive

To me sex positive means that I embrace and not afraid to talk about all aspects of my sexuality. Of course, within the bounds of situations where it is appropriate, I love talking about bodies and sex. It took me a while to become used to that idea. I grew up in a house where sex was not talked about in any circumstance. I received a book, instead of receiving "the talk". When I finally realized that sex was not something to inherently shy-away from, I embraced my own exuberance and self-image. I love who I am now, love feeling free and talking about sex, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

In my life sex-positivty manifests itself as:

• Nude beaches are my jam. Being the only woman on the beach, even better.
• Everyone knows I have a dildo named Just-in Beaver
• When I by a new vagina trimmer that I am excited about, all my friends hear about it. I love being able to talk freely about the frustrations and techniques involved in female body hair. We all deal with it, why not get some advice and some laughs out of it.
• My best friend and I will get down on the floor and demonstrate our favorite sex positions on each other.
• I try to make all my compliments individual and honest.
• It has become a tradition of sorts that a nearly every party I throw, someone will request to see my dildo and harness, so I will strap on and do a little show for everyone.
• I am not afraid to look like an idiot on the dance floor.
• I feel good showing a lot of cleavage....so that is what i do.
• I encourage my friends to talk about their bodies and sex lives to their comfort level, and often get a response of "wow, I never feel this comfortable talking about this kind of thing"

Read about how one mom interprets sex-positivity for her daughter
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lea-grover/this-is-what-sex-positive-parenting-really-looks-like_b_5516707.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Feminism, Altruism, Environment and BOOBS (Song)

A heard this song this morning and immediately fell in love. Not only was it stuck in my head all day and made me giggle but is a pretty good auditory manifestation of my brain.

Confessions Tim Minchin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bEGLbCNRqw

Why I am a Feminist. A Defense of Feminism Against "Women Against Feminism"

With every political ideal comes a number of lunatics who take the issue too far and tend to delegitimize the core group. Feminism is of course not immune to this phenomenon, however i feel that feminists get far more grief than they deserve.

Historically Feminism has made innumerable steps towards the political, economical and social equality of women. New issues for women have developed, and many of the old problems are still at large.  According to the US census bureau (as well as every source I have seen that shows actual research), the wage gap between men and women is a very real thing. This means that on average, in the United States, women who are working the same type of position with the same experience as a man, will earn less than him. Our Supreme Court has made it legal to withhold access to medications for sexual health for women, but not for men. Women are still blamed to their rapes. Gender inequality is still a very real issue in our society.

The really cool part of third-wave feminism is that feminst still fight for equality for women, but they have expanded their focus to include seeking equality for other minorities as well. Third wave feminism tries to ensue equal rights for everyone regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or ability.

Women Against Feminism http://womenagainstfeminism.tumblr.com/ is a tumblr that has erupted as a response to third wave feminism.  Some common arguments that the women on Women Against Feminism make, and defenses for feminism:

• Feminists hate men: True feminists work towards male grievances as well as female. Feminists work to reduce rates of rape, including rape towards males. Feminists work towards equality of all minorities, gender, sexuality, race, and ability minorities, all of which include men. 
• I like my role as a housewife/I like a strong man: That is fine. Feminism does not contradict those assertions at all. Feminism merely wants to provide other options, options provided to men. If a woman wants to be a housewife then she should be able to, as well as a that a man should be allowed that option, or a woman should be allowed to focus on her career or not want to be mother.
• I like 'natural birth control methods' because they remind me that I am a woman: Again, by providing women with other options does not restrict the options which already exist. Every woman reserves the right to decide how she views her own femininity. Having control over what I choose for my own body personally makes me feel very confident in my femininity. I appreciate being able to choose a life that does not include debilitating cramps and the fear of an unwanted pregnancy. All women should have the opportunity to be educated about all of their options and have reasonable access to whatever resources they deem best for themselves.
• Rape culture does not exist: Rape culture most certainly exists. I know rape culture exists from my friend who survived rape, who instead of receiving support, was torn down by her entire community for ruining her rapists life by pressing charges. I know rape culture exists because of guys telling me that testosterone makes them need sex in a way a woman will never understand. I know rape culture exists because women are still being blamed for being raped based on clothes, alcohol and sexual history. I know rape culture exists when Blurred Lines is the top song in the country despite mimicking the words of actual rapists. Want to read more: http://time.com/40110/rape-culture-is-real/
• I like being treated like a princess/ My man treats me right: Everyone likes being treated like they are special and loved. In my relationships I do like being treated like a princess at times, but I also like treating my partner like a prince or princess. I like feeling special, as well as want my partner to feel special, and feminism is by no means against that. Once again, just because some women appreciate a relationship dynamic where they are the submissive partner, women who want a different, more equal, or dominant dynamic should be able to pursue that without judgement. Personal choices and values should remain a personal choice, and no one option should be forced onto all women.
• Women are not victims based on their gender: Feminism hopes to empower women, not victimize them. Feminism wants to ensure For women who have been oppressed or assaulted and want help, it should not be denied to them

Read another article talking about some of the missed notions on Women Against Feminism:
http://www.vice.com/read/women-against-feminism-have-a-strange-fixation-on-jars-723?utm_source=vicefbus

Commentary on "Sex without Fear"

Today I read an article about a drug which, when taken consistently, prevents the spread of HIV. As a nurse, and a proud queermo, this is definitely a topic of interest. I have a flock of gay boys, who I love dearly, and who all have had various struggles with STIs. Luckily none of my closest friends have contracted HIV, however it is still a huge concern within the community, and weighs on them as a concern daily. The original article touches on a number of different points. The idea that this medication will allow people, in particular gay men, to have more personal freedom and peace of mind. The flip side of which is that the medication may promote promiscuity and give the illusion that condoms are no longer necessary. An analogy was used that introducing this medication is align with birth control compared to the Plan B type treatment often being used now to prevent HIV.

I am very much in the camp of personal choice when it comes to this issue. I think that women should have the right and reasonable access to whatever birth control they deem necessary for their bodies. If they use it for their health, if they want the peace of mind, if they choice to be promiscuous, or they choose not to use it, each option is just that, THIER CHOICE. This medication should fall in a similar perspective. HIV is a prominent health issue, which should be addressed, within the gay male community. Gay men, along with women, are still a minority, especially in the context of healthcare, and it is our duty as a society to not continue to marginalize them by making decisions for them. All available options should be made available and education provided, so that each individual can determine what is best for them.

From a nursing perspective, I have a very love-hate relationship with drugs. So many drugs can drastically improve quality of life, or be essential to life. However, modern medicine is so recent in the grand scheme of things. Drugs are constantly changing and being reevaluated. Used in the wrong way or quantity, drugs can change quickly from the realm of positive force to negative. With this HIV-preventing drug, there is the worry that condoms will go out of favor and rates of other STIs will increase. If taken incorrectly the drug may lead to resistance which would hinder treatment if HIV was contracted. Additionally, every drug added to the body has potential side effects and complications, when considering treatment one must think of alternatives and if the benefits out way the costs. I still believe each individual retain the choice to determine his actions, but full education of the drug, and the benefits of condoms should be included in the excitement.

Read the original article here:http://nymag.com/news/features/truvada-hiv-2014-7/

Sexy Project Day (NSFW: ass pic)

I am known for my projects. I get completely sucked into them. I get an idea and it becomes my obsession, I really have no ability to stop myself from pursuing whatever inspiration I feel. Well, today that happened. I brought out my fabric scraps with the intention to make a headband to keep my irritatingly not-short-but-not-long-hair out of my face during runs. Well I made my headbands, and then my hands kept moving and made some gladiator-strap inspired panties. 

Now the craftsmanship is nothing to brag about, but these panties got me excited. I mean I was turned on by them, but also they got me pumped to delve into the the creative world that is sexy clothing. 

When I move into a more permanent housing situation in a month or so, my grandma has already promised me her sewing machine. I am feeling a lot more panties, tops, and corsets in my creative future. 

Beauty Beyond Human Skin

A week or so ago, a blog post entitled “Not Everyone is Beautiful” made its rounds through the social media circuit. The article spoke to the idea that beauty has become an expectation for success in our society. It is a trait that is highly valued and is an ideal that everyone, particularly women, should strive for. There is a trend to broaden the idea of beauty, saying everyone is beautiful, and expanding the word to represent any positive attribute. A word, which primarily denotes physical attractiveness, is now being used to give a person value. Being beautiful is the highest level of achievement in our society. The original article can be read here: http://nathanbiberdorf.wordpress.com/2014/06/09/not-everyone-is-beautiful/

While reading this article I went back and forth in my mind. I appreciate the stand the author took, and think he made a very valid point. We absolutely have an obsession with appearances in our culture, an obsession that has undoubtedly influenced our vernacular.

On the other hand though, I am not so sure that there is anything wrong with expanding the usage of the word beauty. The meaning of words change constantly, words are invented, reclaimed and often stray far from the original intention. In my mind, the world beauty has been expanded, and that doesn’t have to be a negative. The world beauty to me denotes a deeper sense of attractiveness, almost spiritual. Clouds, aspen trees, ladybugs, moments, emotions, and yes, people can all be beautiful to me. When I say that I am speaking not about the appearance, but the full, happiness that they bring to me. I feel that the word beauty has much more to do with the reaction it stirs, rather than the inherent attraction of the object of beauty.

When I want to tell a partner that they are physically looking good I tend towards words such as handsome, gorgeous, sexy, pretty, fine, hawt, totally fuckable, schoen, hubsch, cuddly or on a special day, titillating. Beauty on the other hand is for special moments, laying in bed noticing how her eye curves just perfectly, or realizing that her arms feel like the perfect jacket.

The sentiment of the article remains valid, not everyone is attractive, and there is no reason for there to be an expectation that everyone strives for physical beauty. The idea that the word beauty should be reined back, saddens me though. I do think that everyone has moments of beauty, and in using that word it expresses the positive reaction related to the moment, rather than the innate value.

Bi Brigade

Here in pdx, we have an awesome Bi community. A community who strives to include not only the B in LGBTQ, but queers, pansexuals and all of use non-monosexuals looking for a place to go. In efforts to strengthen this community and reach out to those outside of us, a group of us have started the Bi Brigade. One of the main things we are working on right now is creating a Q&A blog focused on bi-related questions. We have done a couple posts already in vlog and blog style. For those of you in the portland area, we also are a good resource to find more bi-relevent events, such as bi-bar at Crush (every second tuesday). Check out our latest post, including a short first appearance by yours truly.

http://www.bibrigade.org

The Elusive Queer Man

     In previous posts I have mused about the potential of queer sex within a heterosexual relationship. I was skeptical that such a dynamic could happen in reality. I think the universe decided I needed a reminder, and thus delivered me Jack (name changed).

     Jack is a very philosophical-minded, hipster-leaning, bike fanatic. He doesn't own a car, is covered in tattoos (of various quality) is an inch shorter than me, and has red facial hair which goes through stages of scruff, mustache, and full mountian-man status. I find him devilishly handsome, and an adorable person. We initially connected over our mutual high sex drives and open-mindedness about sex. We both fall somewhere in the middle with gender and sexuality which seems to complement each other nicely. He does not mind in the least that I am very attracted to women, and does not sexualize that experience as happens with many hetero-men. Jack is open to new sexual experiences and likes being fucked, which means we get to have some fun in bed. I think it is clear to me, that purely vanilla sex will never satisfy me, and luckily he shares that opinion.

      Both Jack and I recently got out of serious relationships with women who we each thought could be the person we would spend our lives with. We take love seriously and the thought of another heartbreak is terrifying. Needless to say, that leaves us with a full set of baggage between the two of us, and a bit relationship phobic. In fact, Jack is so scared of relationships that he reminds me that he doesn't want one nearly every day. Now, hearing that is not exactly a moral boost, but honestly I know I need to stay away from anything serious right now anyways, and the smile he gives to me when I show up is enough of a reminder that he digs me.

     I think it is actually good for me to find more balance in my life, and appreciate the moment I am in, rather then to worry about the future. The reality is that Jack gives me a stable friendship, consistent sex, a cuddle buddy and someone to share stories with. Its not the love story I pictured, and I don't imagine he will be the person I spend my life with, but right now, he is exactly the person I need in my life. Meeting him has been the perfect reminder that I am young, I have no idea what I am looking for, and most importantly there is no reason to be looking for anything specific, but rather I need to embrace the people and experiences already my life and roll with whatever path should come next.

More miss-adventures with men

I find sexuality to be such an intriguing topic. I find more intriguing though, the fact that most people around me are substantially less interested in sexuality than me. I wonder if I am more sex-driven, more queer, or just more out-spoken than then average female.

            It is a common anecdote that guys think about sex once every six seconds, and also that guys are only after one thing. While I think both statements are far from fact, I wonder to what extent they are true, what causes that to be true, and why women don’t feel, or at least admit to the same. To the last topic at least I have a few theories. Most theories deal with different social constructs to gender. Women are socialized to believe certain things about their sexuality, and possibly more sad, I am under the impression that most woman do not get opportunities to explore open, equal, sexually gratifying relationships.

            Under the disclaimer that the following opinions are only based only personal experience and casual research, I believe that our current, hetero-centric views on sex limit much of our population to less than mediocre sex. I was personally blessed by having two open, queer, and compatible sexual partners as my first two relationships. I acknowledge that most people take more trial and error to find their preferences in bed, and I likely still have much to discover. However I believe that typical straight sex is nothing short of boring.

            For some reason I keep trying it, and it keeps disappointing. I have slept with a variety of guys now. Guys I was very physically attracted to, guys I was intellectually turned on by, or had good chemistry in the moment, guys I gave at least a handful of chances to, and yet the sex is always disappointing. It seems that in the average sexual encounter there is a typical formula. There is a certain amount of foreplay, in most cases apparently employed to get the chick on board.  Ten the guy’s dick-brain comes out and takes over. His face goes into an intense, blank stare, he starts making animal noises, subtle at first but escalating to grizzly-decibel grunts by climax, and of course overall the man always has the power.

            I am personally a strong, independent, woman who very much likes some control during sex, and am not afraid to take it. Still I find that through typical heterosexual positions and social expectations, I still rarely get dominant or even equal positions when having sex with a man. I believe many women, as well as many of their partners would very much appreciate more opportunities for variety and control-shifts during sex.

            As soon as dick-brain comes into play, penetration tends to become the main move. While penetration is great, even a skilled partner who benefit his/her woman by adding in some variety and finesse. Plus when penetration comes into play the woman is almost always put into a submissive role. Most positions she is pinned down, or has her legs above her head, not in positions of power. Even while riding her mate, often the woman is supposed to be putting on a show. Penetration often also signals the beginning to the end, the shift that signals that if you are not the unique flower who will cum from vaginal sex alone, get ready to be grunted on and then go to bed, because Miss, your turn is over.

            I am possibly being overdramatic or skeptical, but I believe we are ready for sexual revolution. I want to see a world where women understand and embrace their sexuality, at least as much as men are expected to by our current society seems to dictate. I want to see world where sexual partnerships are honest, and equal (at least to the extent both partners desire) and where all people are exposed to healthy sexual relationships that will help them discover what they actually like and in which they will not be ashamed.

Stay tuned for a follow-up post about a new boy-toy who may be changing my opinion about hetero-male sexual openness. 

Straight sex is weird

Recently I have been dating guys. Regular, masculine, straight guys. I think I have come to the conclusion that I am dating guys because well, I can get along with them, but I don't have to be as concerned about falling fro a girl and getting my heart broken again.

I am able to connect with guys well, although often it is as a bro, seeing as I have only dated women for the last two years. So jumping back into the "straight" dating scene is very strange. Twice now I have connected with a guy, thought they might at least be a good companion for a while, but then when it gets to sex, my lady cock is so not impressed. Perhaps it is these two guys, but I doubt it. That leaves me with two options as far as I am concerned. One: I just don't like penis and I should just deal with that. I am not convinced of that however because I have dated a trans girl, with a male body, who I was very much attracted to and sexually fulfilled by, and I have definitely been romantically attracted to guys. The second option then is that straight sex is just incredibly boring in comparison to wild, creative, beautiful, queer sex.

In my queer relationships I can say that every time I had sex it was a new experience. There seemed to be endless combinations of positions, where each partner was, and the toys involved, and most importantly just the attitude behind it.

When I become physical with a straight guy it seems to be all the same. The body rushes to his dick, he turns, at least in some degree into an animal, I have to be the woman in the situation, and the same series of mostly penetration based positions are used. Perhaps I will give it a few more times, but damn this seems boring compared to women, or what I can do with myself in the comfort of my own bedroom. No wonder most women are not super excited about sex if this is all it is in their relationships.

Goodbye Gold Star Lesbian Status

That is right, last night I slept with a man. I slept with a tall, big, hairy, penis having, heterosexual, cis-male MAN.

It wasn't bad. I'd even say that it was fun. However the entire time I couldn't help but thinking, damn this would be better with a woman.

Kissing him, his mouth felt so big, his face so scratchy. I kissed his neck but it was so large, and lacked the look of elegance that I have grown used to.

Our shirts came off and I wondered where the other set of breasts were to match my own. His nipples, small and just not the same to play with.

His entire body had a layer of black hair on it, from the tip of his nose to his entire broad chest. Everywhere I put my mouth I got the taste of hair instead of the smooth skin I craved.

The entire process felt more like an activity to fulfill my needs than romantic desire. It felt fun but not hot and steamy.

Still, I think it was a good experiment. Adds more experience of dating and what I like so in the future I have a better idea of what I'm looking for. I don't feel the need to label myself or limit myself based on someone else's standards. Yet I do want to have a little more confidence in my own idea of what my attractions are. At this point I don't foresee continuing to pursue men in any romantic direction, but at the same time won't completely count it out.

This might be a good chance to take a little break from dating. Yeah, that sounds nice. Me time.

Why can't I just be me?

I crushed on guys in high school. That does not make me straight.

I have had girlfriends for the past year and a half. That does not make me gay.

I am whoever I want to be. You have to take my word on the fact that I know myself and my desires better than you. I do not question yours. Please do not question mine.

Yes, I act like a bro a lot of the time. Yes, I wear dresses and want to have babies. These are are not in conflict with each other, they are just who I am. I am a woman, and happy to proclaim it. I am also happy to disprove some female stereotypes, as well as act in accordance with some.

This does not make me any one thing. This makes me me. That is it.

I find gender non-conformity beautiful, now I can only hope that someone will find mine just as beautiful.

Gay song: "Gay Pirates" by Cosmo Jarvis

Want a video to make your heart smile just a bit? Cosmo's songs are all quirky to say the least. Strong, upbeat songs that talk about everyday problems in a unique way. My favorite of course is his song Gay Pirates. It is a take on a sea-shanty about a gay pirate in love, and the music video is the band, drummers and dancers in a one-take stage enactment of the song. Makes me grin every time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dysG12QCdTA

Gay Artist: Mary Lambert

I would not be surprised if most of you have heard of Mary Lambert. She sings the chorus of Macklemore's hit Same Love. Some of you may also know that she is a Seattle singer with songs of her own, including the song which includes the chorus from Same Love, called She Keeps Me Warm. This is perhaps one of the absolute cutest lesbian-love-song-music-videos which will ever be created.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhqH-r7Xj0E

She is a bad-ass woman, and talented singer. She has seen her share in life including, rape, bi-polar disorder, and drug abuse and strives to share her experiences and feelings through her art, including with a rape entitled Body Love. I see her being an awesome lesbian artist on the rise, and can't wait to see where she goes next.

If you want to hear more from her, you can type "mary lambert kexp" into itunes and download a free podcast of live performances at KEXP, which is naturally a rad, Seattle, radio station.

She will be touring this summer, and for those in the NW, she will be at Sasquatch.

Lets talk about consent: again

Several things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have lead me to write this post. I consider myself a strong women, smart, and not easily led into dangerous situations. Yet, even I have found myself feeling used and taken advantage of. I have never been raped or sexually assaulted, and it is mostly for those women and men who have that I feel so strongly about this issue. We live in a culture where it is accepted to use other people for personal gain and sex is seen as casual and a means of control.

The two events that have lead to me to write this post are related to being taken advantage of in a relationship, and a casual date gone too far.

First for the relationship. I have mentioned before that my ex cheated on me, lied about it, broke up with me and then told me about the cheating. That alone made me feel taken advantage of. I was betrayed by someone I loved and who I thought loved me. However, I do believe that she is a severely confused and currently troubled person who did not do this with the intent of hurting me, but instead out of selfishness.

The place where I think she really crossed the line came the day she broke up with me. We had broken up, but she had not told me about the cheating, and I was under the impression that we were taking a step back and reassessing our relationship later in the weekend. She knew that I would want nothing to do with her after she told me about the cheating, so intentionally withheld that information until after I had held her hand for her tattoo, went out shopping and to lunch, and worst, took a shower with her. She went to take a shower and specifically called me in there with her. Less than a hour later she filled me in, and I immediately felt dirty and used.

The next incident happened a few days ago on a date. I had invited the guy over to bake, and had made a point to say that I did not want anything to happen besides baking. *note: the first time I specifically did not give consent*. We had a good time, and he kissed me. That was fine with me. He took off my shirt. At this point I did not specifically say no. We continued to make out, and I stopped him and said "I do not want to go further than this tonight" *the second time I specifically said no*. He continued to try and escalate things. Each time I would stop him at my boundary, and yet he must have tried close to a dozen times. I get that during sex you have to interpret your partner's actions , and that can be difficult at times. However there is a difference between trying to see the level someone is into things, and her specifically saying that she does not want to go there. At that point, that choice has to be respected.

These have been a good reminder to be careful with my heart and my body, and to make sure that my partners feel respected as well.

Back on the dating frontier

Following the end of my last relationship, at first I was at a loss. I had it in my mind that this girl could be the one I would spend the rest of my life with, or at least I would have more time to figure it out. Unfortunately those are not choices I can make, so now I have to figure out how to be single and where to go from here.

I want to keep busy and distract myself a bit, and dating seems like one way to do that. Pass the time, and work on moving forward. Unfortunately waiting for "the one" to come by, especially in the queer world, seems like a slow process. So I am working the world of technology and using Okcupid and Tinder. We will see how this goes. i have used one before and had some success. Usually my strategy is to send out dozens of messages, strike up conversations and if they seem even at all decent I go out to coffee with them. That way I get out there, and can see in person if I have any chemistry with these people. Most I don't, and I spend a couple awkward hours with them and move on. Part of trying to be open about this process, is trying things out with people of all genders, including male, which it has been I while since I have dated a straight guy.

I went on my first date during this process last night. To put it simply, it was enlightening. The date was with a guy. We chatted, drank and baked banana bread. It was a fun night and it felt like we hit it off. Unfortunately, as soon as shirts came off, I realized I was not attracted to him at all. I am not going to take this as conclusive evidence that I am not into guys at all, but I am becoming more and more confident on that idea. My best friend, gay-boy Chris said "I can't believe you tried to be straight." I wouldn't say that I was trying to be straight, but I guess I a searching to be absolutely confident that that is not the case, as I had believed for most of my life.

With one unsuccessful date under my belt, I am ready to move forward. On that note, I have a date with a gorgeous woman, also a nurse, this friday. Cross your fingers for me.

I will keep updating as I go along, and share any good stories, both success and failure. I hope you enjoy reading about my often-to-dramatic dating life, and that yours is going more smoothly.

Gay Artist: Brandi Carlile

Brandi Carlile. She is my dream girl. I am absolutely in love with this woman. She is beautiful and has the scratchy-wonderful voice of my angel.

She has recorded her most recent album(s) at Bear Creek studios, which consequentially is really close to where I grew up (within a mile of my late-elementary school and of my high-school job). She records with who she calls "the twins" and performs/records with the Seattle symphony.

Her voice is scratchy and deep in the most beautiful way. Her lyrics are magical and interesting. My favorite song is a sad one, about her high school friend who committed suicide: "That Year"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R2efYK36z8

Also she is gay, and just got married, about a year ago, to a super cute woman (Catherine Shepherd, 2012)
Like her on facebookhttps://www.facebook.com/brandicarlile or listen to perhaps her most famous song: "the Story"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8pQLtHTPaI   P.S. If she is ever single again, I have first dibs.

post-"the boi"

I am sure that many of you have experienced breakup. I am told that they are a normal part of growing-up. I am told that everyone experiences the pain I am currently going through. This is the first time I have been broken up with. The first time I have been cheated on, treated like garbage and told to get lost by the one I thought I loved.

It is a shitty feeling. She has pretended to love me. She has told me what I wanted to hear (said by her). She apparently views me as a friend. A bro (again her word). I saw her as a lover and a partner. Its hard to get over that. I have spent about 24 hours crying and calling on the friends who will come and comfort me.

Now it is time to move on. Move past. Move on to a me that I want to be.

She was perfect in so many ways, but the real perfect partner will fit with the real me. I need to figure that out first. I need to be confident in myself. I need to have a stable job and place to live. I need to know who I am and what i like to do. I need to have a support system of friends and family outside of her.

Then someday I will be the me that I want to present to her, whenever that may be, whoever she may be.

Opening an ETSY store

This week I have been in crazy project mode. Two projects have dominated my time. 1: designing tattoos (which I will share more about later) and 2: making sex toys. The toys I have made so far have come out looking and working really well! So far I have made harnesses, two types of handcuffs, a spreader bar and a small whip. Believe me, I am turned on by my own creativeness. The point of this being though, that I want to share my expertise and enthusiasm, and hopefully make a few bucks. So I have decided that I am going to open an ETSY shop to get my products out there. I will post the link when it is all set up sometime in the next week or so. My goal is to sell queer friendly, sex-positive products. I have already started production (and sold one harness to one of my transboi friends!!!), started my branding and business schemes and now just need to do a photo shoot of my products (my girlfriend is not super excited that I will be modeling them and have sex toy pics on the net, but I think it sounds like a blast!) Anyways I hope some of these products look appealing to you all and you will come check out my shop when its ready.

Which vegetable wears the strap-on?

Today is the day that I can officially say that I have made a harness. A beautiful, made-with my own hands bike-tube harness.

The harness that my girlfriend and I were using was looking a bit old, but we loved the design and couldn't find quality harnesses, especially at a good price. So I set out on the challenge. Strangely finding the buckles was the hardest part. With a little bit of trial and error I had finished my awesome self-made harness.

I am all about doing projects, DIY, cheap alternatives, and of course sex toys so naturally this will go to the top of my bragging list.


And because a lesbian telling dildo jokes is always funny:

My boi

I want to introduce my wonderful girlfriend. This is us on our first New Years Eve together ( I was attempting a mohawk, and clearly was failing). She is sweet, silly, handsome and one of the most caring people I have ever met. We fit each other so perfectly, I could hardly see any other match.

She identifies as genderqueer, and I can attest that she falls very much in the middle of the gender spectrum. She works in a cider warehouse, wears all men's clothing and approaches thing in a very straight-forward fashion. However she can also be giggly, loves gushy romanticism and could cook, clean and garden all day.

Continuing on I hope to write some pieces on what it means to be genderqueer as well as the experience of having a genderqueer partner. There will probably also be dozens of posts about how damn cute she is.

We are not post-homophobia

I woke up this morning and watched a little BBC, read some autostraddle, pretty much the usual slow-mornign routine. One article about Ellen Degeneres and Ellen page caught my eye. I find it to be a great article about how yes, we have come a long way with LGBT rights, but that is no reason to belittle the personal struggle that LGBT individuals still face.

I believe Riese says it well:

"Despite the gravity of this revelation and the long road we’ve traversed from the Ellen I grew up with to the Ellens who inspire young people today, many straight people have responded rudely to her speech with “Yeah, duh” and “Why is this news”? I am wary of these people. I fear they don’t realize that the fight is far from over — that gay kids are still getting kicked out of their homes, gay teenagers are still getting cut out of their families, that job and housing discrimination remains legal in most states, that hate crimes still happen, that gay kids are getting bullied and killing themselves, that 92% of American LGBT youth say they hear negative messages about being LGBT and 42% say they live in an area that isn’t accepting of LGBT people. Remember that it was a flood of press coverage around the suicides of young gay people that jump-started the flood of prominent personalities coming out to begin with. Remember that devastation.

Ellen Page said she’d been scared to reveal her truth, and way too many people responded with, ”In other news, the sky is blue.” The fact that so many felt comfortable being that rude to someone who’d just publicly shared a private struggle speaks volumes about how important they consider the issues of gay women to be. We should be wary of these people. People like them are why so many believe this country is post-racial or post-feminist when this country is racist as fuck and hates women.

This country loves to pass a few laws and then declare everything officially fixed forever. This country has a short memory. It belittles the struggles of the disempowered and we see it happen every day when people who experience racism or sexism are usually told by alleged allies that their own account of their own oppression is irrelevant and overdramatic. That dismissal from alleged allies hasn’t happened on a large scale to the LGBT community quite yet, but it could get there sooner than you think, and that could happen before “the LGBT community as a whole” has really even begun to give the issues of queers of color, trans* people, and all overlaps therein, their proper attention."

http://www.autostraddle.com/a-tale-of-two-ellens-224185/


This is a sentiment that hits close to home as well. I did not fully realize my sexuality or come out until about a year ago. While I considered myself a sympathetic ally, I don't think I realized the real struggle until I was faced with it myself. While I appreciate my peers speaking up about how we still need marriage equality, I want to turn around to them and say "that is only one tiny part of the issue!" What about the fact that none of the jobs I am looking at will cover my same-sex partners health insurance? What about the fact that my genderqueer girlfriend constantly feels pulled between the social expectations of both genders? Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of the progress we have made and give full credit to those who endured and fought for it, but I believe we need to step up and continue to fight.

Gay Artist: Jay Brannan

I am not quite sure what it is, but somehow I feel like when something good is also queer it makes it just that much better. Like if I find out that someone with an oh-so-sexy voice is also singing about the boy he's chasing I basically fall in love.

One such singer for me is Jay Brannan. His songs are primarily focus of the the vocals with a roughly strummed acoustic guitar to go along with it. A good portion of his song have gay themes and they are all perfect songs to sing along with. Also, if you have seen Shortbus then you will recognize him as Ceth, who sings to James and Jamie.

Here is one of my faves: enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNxzFPTA1y4

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Hello Blogosphere

Hello Internet,
Today marks the day that I will begin on my next blog journey. I am continuing this blog from one I started about a year ago, but this one will have a bit of a different focus, and some old posts may deleted. I first started a blog during a period when I was struggling. I was in the midst of a health crisis, an identity crisis and figuring out my first queer relationship. Writing helped me tremendously, and I want to continue with it.
    Now, this blog will focus on anything queer related. My personal journey. My relationship. Sex. The harnesses and sex toys I am currently creating and selling. Anything that I would find interesting when I am in a gay mood and browsing the web.
    I hope that eventually someone will benefit from my writing, but in the meantime I will write for myself, to document my journey and remind myself of all of the reasons why it is awesome to be queer.
<3 Megs