Lets talk about consent: again

Several things have happened in the last couple of weeks that have lead me to write this post. I consider myself a strong women, smart, and not easily led into dangerous situations. Yet, even I have found myself feeling used and taken advantage of. I have never been raped or sexually assaulted, and it is mostly for those women and men who have that I feel so strongly about this issue. We live in a culture where it is accepted to use other people for personal gain and sex is seen as casual and a means of control.

The two events that have lead to me to write this post are related to being taken advantage of in a relationship, and a casual date gone too far.

First for the relationship. I have mentioned before that my ex cheated on me, lied about it, broke up with me and then told me about the cheating. That alone made me feel taken advantage of. I was betrayed by someone I loved and who I thought loved me. However, I do believe that she is a severely confused and currently troubled person who did not do this with the intent of hurting me, but instead out of selfishness.

The place where I think she really crossed the line came the day she broke up with me. We had broken up, but she had not told me about the cheating, and I was under the impression that we were taking a step back and reassessing our relationship later in the weekend. She knew that I would want nothing to do with her after she told me about the cheating, so intentionally withheld that information until after I had held her hand for her tattoo, went out shopping and to lunch, and worst, took a shower with her. She went to take a shower and specifically called me in there with her. Less than a hour later she filled me in, and I immediately felt dirty and used.

The next incident happened a few days ago on a date. I had invited the guy over to bake, and had made a point to say that I did not want anything to happen besides baking. *note: the first time I specifically did not give consent*. We had a good time, and he kissed me. That was fine with me. He took off my shirt. At this point I did not specifically say no. We continued to make out, and I stopped him and said "I do not want to go further than this tonight" *the second time I specifically said no*. He continued to try and escalate things. Each time I would stop him at my boundary, and yet he must have tried close to a dozen times. I get that during sex you have to interpret your partner's actions , and that can be difficult at times. However there is a difference between trying to see the level someone is into things, and her specifically saying that she does not want to go there. At that point, that choice has to be respected.

These have been a good reminder to be careful with my heart and my body, and to make sure that my partners feel respected as well.