Identity is a funny thing. It was not something that I had
thought about very much until recently, and now it seems to be pulled to the
front of my brain on a daily basis. In some ways I think identity is something
that everyone is constantly trying to figure out, and I think it has been
something resting in the back of my mind for much of my life. There is nothing
quite like dating somebody whose identity challenges what most people know and
accept to shake up your own sense of identity.
The past few months my brain has been in turmoil to try and
figure out what is going on with myself. I considered there to be two central
issues to deal with: how I feel to be dating somebody who is genderqueer and
how I feel my own identity and sexuality have started to be redefined. All
along it has been much easier for me to talk about the first one. After much
research and processing, I realized that I could learn to understand enough
about Devin’s identity to be comfortable with it, and could care less what
other people thought about her, or us. I happily answer questions about what it
means to be trans* or about our relationship. When the time comes to talk about
myself I often leave it in really general terms or tell people I am still
figuring it out and don’t want to talk about it.
I was starting to become comfortable with the idea that I
don’t know what is going on with my brain, until I realized that I really do
know more than I thought, and know just need to admit that to myself. A couple
of specific events in the last week really pointed this fact out to me.
First, Devin asked me how I see my own gender presentation.
I was very surprised by this question. For a queer couple, which often talks
about gender and sexuality, it took me by surprise that my own gender would be
called into question. Even six months ago I would probably be slightly offended
by this question, and most likely not understand. My mind was stuck in the
gender binary. I considered myself female and did not see it as any more
complicated as that. I also assumed myself straight because up to that point I
had only had full on crushes on boys and did not find myself sexually attracted
to my favorite actresses.
After thinking about it, I realized that I no longer see
myself in a purely straight-forward cis-femme way. I see myself as somewhat
queer in the gender as well as the sexuality department I suppose. I am trying
to allow my appearance to be whatever feels best to me at the moment, which is
becoming increasingly butch. I allow my hair to be more natural and wave whatever
way it wants to, or often throw on a trucker hat to cover it up. My makeup style
has changed, where I no longer feel like I am attempting to paint an attractive
woman’s face on my own, but rather touch up my own face. As Devin has put it,
my clothing is generally feminine, but the way I put it together becomes almost
butch. I like to wear low-cut shirts with suspenders, or baggy men’s sweaters
with leggings and boots. I wear my dad’s old brown leather jacket everywhere
and have just discovered how much I like lip-stick.
I didn’t find my style to be too much out of the ordinary or
even too far from who I had been a few years ago. I had thought of it as a slow
evolution of me developing my sense of self and coming more comfortable in my
own skin. That was until last weekend. My mom, sister, and some acquaintances
from my high school days down in my city and I had gone to see them. An old
friend came outside to great me and led me to the room where everyone was. As
soon as he saw me, he did a double take and said, “wow, you sure have changed.”
Later he again questioned my appearance, asking when my hair had changed and
pointed out that my sister had not changed at all. A little while later a
former teacher asked if I was wearing a costume (black pants, baggy sweater,
and backwards trucker hat) so that my sister would be surprised and not
recognize me. Nope, not a costume….just the way I dress.
It was a little bit of a shock to realize how quickly I had
changed and how ignorant my own self-perception was. While it still seems like
a big and scary new thing, I am really excited to keep exploring this new side
of me, and hopefully shock a few more family members along the way.
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